In previous posts we discussed misdiagnosis, symptoms, and my recent journey and use of maca.
In this post I hope to discuss the emotional side of the previously mentioned events of my journey.
As a new mom, I questioned back and forth whether or not to have another child. Speaking with other moms, I found that I'm not alone in this feeling. I'd had many conversations with my significant other(SO) about the pros and cons and usually the decision was we'd like more - eventually.
There were a few things holding (at least me) back. I have been debating going back to school. I had started what would be a 7 years educational journey. A few months later, I began to become concerned that I hadn't had a period in four months. My periods had always been irregular but never this irregular. So I began convincing myself that somehow I might be pregnant. The thought crossed my mind with mixed emotions. I had finally made a decision (which is a big deal for an indecisive person like myself) to follow in this educational path and put my plan for another child on hold until I had finished my studies. And now, my plans might be all going up in smoke because of this potential baby. I was annoyed and frustrated. And even contemplated abortion in the event I was pregnant.
In discussing my fears and frustrations with my SO, I realized that I hadn't really been thinking about my SO's feelings. Not towards an abortion but rather about having a child sooner rather than later. My SO is six years my senior. Sure for me waiting 7 years till I'm done my studies wouldn't be so bad but for him, he felt that he'd be too old. Well this just threw me off my course. Maybe I should get pregnant now. What an exciting thought. And I had always considered a 3 years age gap between siblings to be ideal (and my little one was turning three). I became excited. I began to imagine a life growing inside of me again. I couldn't wait to confirm that I'd have my second child.
That's when I took my pregnancy test. And the results were erroneous. Not sure what happened. So I waited for the next day and tried again. And I just stared at that negative, confused. How? What does this mean then?
It was difficult to go to my doctor as my schedule was in conflict to his. So I went to a walk-in clinic and asked to do a pregnancy blood test. I was still holding out hope. Maybe it's an ectopic pregnancy. Maybe the home test was faulty. I didn't want to think about the results of the test being negative. I had finally agreed to the idea of having a child now and puting my education on hold.
But sure enough I went in and heard that word. Negative. The doctor recommended I continue with my family doctor at this point. I had an old requisition form for an ultrasound that my GP had given me and so I setup an appointment.
I went in for that ultrasound and I always find them so awkward. The technician is not allowed to tell you anything and at the same time you don't want to disturb them from their work. I usually try and lighten the mood by making a comment about how technicians have to have a good poker face. So the technician opened up a little. Asking me leading questions that ended up helping my self diagnosis. You don't have any pain? (No) (I think to myself, should I?) Have you always had irregular periods? Have you had ultrasounds done before? What were their findings? Hmmmmm. We'll she's definitely seeing something on that screen. And no, it doesn't sound like she's talking about an ectopic pregnancy.
So then my mind wanders. Is it cancer? Am I going to be okay? Will I be able to have children? Have I always had this?
Back home I begin my search based on the hints I got from the technician. I narrow it down to two things, with the most likely being PCOS. I read more about PCOS and I'm astounded by how many other symptoms of PCOS I have. But confused by one. Infertility. And hard time trying to conceive (or bringing child to full term). But somehow, I have this little one. I found it strange and couldn't completely understand it.
A range of emotions raced through me. Depressed (sure depression is a symptom but I mean this was different, I mean my dream of having another baby seems a lot less likely [not impossible, just less likely]). Relieved (it's not cancer phew, could have been worse, I guess). Angry (how could this have not been diagnosed until now!). Thankful (many Cysters would dream of having my dilema of having ANOTHER child; as they are struggling with trying to have just ONE and dealing with so many issues including miscarriages). I also was thankful for another important reason. My mom's response when I had told her I was pregnant (and I wasn't married yet) was to have an abortion (she had many other suggestions later but this was the first). All I kept thinking: if I had somehow listen to her, and only later (when I actually was trying to conceive [ttc]) did I find out about my PCOS, how much I would've dispised my mom. Wow! What a thought. Relieved yet again. I also was feeling stressed (what am I going to do about this?). It really was an emotional roller coaster. Full of ups (i.e. Thankfulnes) and downs (depressed).
My emotional journey continued past all of this. I came to accept the facts as I searched for solutions. It's an emotional journey and I'm lucky to have my SO by my side through it all. It has been a tough few months.
Also, as a side note, the MacaHarmony has greatly helped my energy level and mood. I feel more positive. I won't say happier because when things aren't funny I don't laugh, it just has made me more positive. Which is great :)
While this sums up my current journey with PCOS (and this blog series, for now). I will touch up on the subject of PCOS, ttc, ovulation (in regards to use of MacaHarmony), I'll update in a couple of months about whether or not MacaHarmony continues to regulate and what happens when I take the recommended break from MacaHarmony (at the four months mark), as well as more natural methods of maintaining best health with PCOS (including dietary changes/recommendations).
In my next blog post I'll be discussing some changes I'll be making to this blog and including what to expect from following blog posts. All that will come after a much needed makeover to this blog.
If you have any topics or recommendations for things you'd like me to write about, please let me know.
Wishing you all the best in health.
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